between the sun and moon.
Saint Louise Was Listening On
12:52 p.m. || 2004-03-31
fuck, i'm ill.
i should really be in bed right now, i have no idea what i'm doing awake. i thought i was going to see my birthmom today, but she's sleeping. i was a little put off to find that she didn't come on line last night like she was supposed to... but these are things that I should really expect i think.
there is a point in everyone's life where they think "self, we don't listen to nearly enought STP, and we never did" and it's a weird place to come to at 1pm on a wednesday, but i'm there. and i'm thinking that core was an amazing album that kim drew owned, and i did not, and i really should have. i can remember having to "artistically represent" a bible story in 6th grade or so, and she and i decided to take "creep" and sing adam and eve about it... (i.e. there's half the apple sitting there....half the apple sitting there....) and we were very proud, and very giggly about getting out of actually composing anything.
i would give anything for good teeth thighs and abs. anything. i also would would appreciate thinner ankles but since genetically this is impossible i can happily settle. i'm not a fat girl, but i am no longer the slight girl i was as a teenager. and not looking emactiated has its perks, and i must admit i think i look better now than i did then in lingerie, but there has to be a step down from where i am now... you know, keep the curves..lose like ten of those "hangin' out" pounds i got goin on.... or get pregnant, and then it wouldnt matter so much. either way works for me. really.
ah the baby factor! i was thinking about this thing i wrote a few days ago when i was angry, and someone thought it was because they were merely getting laid... but really its the communication and not the sex that makes me angry, joshua would be able to give insight, too bad we don't talk anymore because, well, or something quite similar. i have no want to fuck anyone but the person i'm fucking, and if people think i'm jealous, i'm not jealous. i'm not bitter. if you were a woman, and you were going to have a baby? then i would be bitter and jealous, so i want everyone with a womb reading this and thinking that i have crossed some etheral line of etiquette to step off. no womb, no anger. mine just happens to be barren (melodramatic license please), and when i see anything about to birth i want to kick it, and this includes things like: pregnant cats, dogs, woman in t.v. commercails, etc. but i mean what does it really matter in the end anyways? who gets laid, who doesnt, how every person who works under me gets knocked up and doesn't mean to and for the past 2 years i've been constantly griping about my baby, what does any of it matter? some of us are getting lucky, some of us didn't and now we are, some of us aren't getting it quite like we used to, and some of us aren't getting the desired results from it. the point is, and really i think this is important, is the lack of communication. and i think men have a corner on the sex and not talking market. i remember everything. and this is my problem, but i never acted like i didn't have my own faults, why the fuck would i write about them?! I get so sick of people who read what you have to say and then act like you said you were perfect. i live with how fucked up i am, i'm not about to write about it.
all these things remind me of when craig and i went out for drinks, and i told him i was seeing someone, and he asked me if we could keep seeing eachother, cause i was "such a cool chick." but the instant i said there was no chance he was getting liad, i was reduced to voicemail-land. when joshua told me he would always wait, and called me everynight until he got a lady... i am never angry that someone has found someone else. in fact i think it's great, i really do. it's just that if i was such a cool chick, does the skins part really matter? it must, because no one calls after that's gone from the equation. and i think that's fucking bogus. i think i'm rambling and ranting too, but i do think the first word that comes to mind is in fact "bogus" and thus i was saying
"i am the girl that ex-boyfriends only talk to when they can't get laid"
notice the (s) on boyfriend(s) and that yes... this sadly is the case, and yes, sadly it's all my fault, and yes, sadly i am easy, and over sexxed. all these things i recognize as being what i put out to men, all these things i realize are what i do to myself, and that none of these men ever did actually profess a want to stay friends with me. ever. and so i guess i assumed, which too, is all my fault.
there is no glory in this.
there is no emo song about to be born of a three word band name.
when it all comes down to it, i revel in disappointment, and i always will. the hesitation that comes in between delivering the remark that will forever wound something is my favorite thing, my favorite moment to be within. it is quiet and uncertain and full of delicious chaos. it really is unlike anything else, the anticipation of never having something be the same again. it's the moment between all i love yous that you both mean and don't mean. it's a look at the headlong rush into the grave of something you knew all the parameters of.
and yes. sadly. this is my fault too.