Someone is Reading
Saint Louise Was Listening On
3:13 a.m. || 2004-10-04
Shut down. Again. I wonder a great many things a great lot of the time, but the recurrence of what I'm doing with my life seems to be the big one.
I want a family, or at least, I want to know one is in my near future, the reassurance that I am not here all for naught.
I want to be a bad girl. I want to be someone that my man can't stop thinking about, stroking himself to thought of me when he's at work, coming home to throw me down and have his way with me.
I want to know that someone finds me not only beautiful, but unresistable, and I know that there is always a honeymoon phase of things where this happens, but I don't want to be run of the mill after a year or two. I want a man who grins to himself on the drive home, knowing I will be there, walking around naked, maybe touching myself because I know he thinks I'm so sexy... that's when I feel sexiest all the time.
I want someone to love me with the same ferocity that I fall in love with. I want to place my hands on my growing belly and know I have a manifestation of someone's ardor for me, for life, for the fact that I think the greatest thing a woman can be is a mother.
I'm not saying everything should always be roses. I want a man who debates with me, picks my brain, fights with me for the things he believes in, gives me a better perspective on life and opinions. I need the stimulation of a mind, someone who won't forget how to talk to me, someone who will remember I am their friend.
I want someone who can make out like a teenager, and then not have to have sex, but will give it up if I want it at that point, someone who helps pay their half of their share, someone who understands I am a little bit needy and insecure, someone who can understand that I'm crazy.
There is a person out there reading this right now, someone I have known a long time, someone who most likely would have been all these things to me a long time ago in a different world, where we used the internet to spar off with one another. Someone I am still very much in love with to this day. And if you are reading this, I really would like to see you again, if only to remenisce and laugh a little with someone who understands me. Someone I feel like I still understand. I miss you, entirely, and I still think I am enraptured with your mind. Its funny how time makes us remember the good and not the hurt, and now even when I look at the bad, I think maybe there wasnt so much us in the bad times, as it was circumstance in the bad times. But really, now I'm being sentimental and tired.
I'm being a lot of things through the tears in my eyes tonight, there isn't any rationale left in me to be otherwise.