Sick Again This Morning.
Saint Louise Was Listening On
12:16 p.m. || 2004-07-06
Eating Ramen Noodles, and it's going to be my first day back to work in a week. "Mad World" is on my radio, and I still find a heavy sense of unease that Eric would hear this song, and I would be conjured to his mind. Does he look at me while I'm sleeping and know he can never marry me because I might wake up one morning, and decide that I can no longer be a part of this horrible life? Does he look at me with heartache and decide to spare himself the greater pain? Is this why we will never have children? Because Eric can't think of raising a family as a widower? I don't know.
I have this email sitting here that I should respond to, and for the most part I'm really flattered by it, but there is this section where this person tells me that I wonb't find love in a child, and not to use my child as a device through which to gain affection and connection. I highly doubt now as I feel the rage building in my chest that he ever lost a baby, or knows the pain of loving the father to death, and knowing that it might not ever work, and then to know you are heavy inside with a life that is also his, and then the excruciating pain of losing that child. There are two theories on why I want a baby, and I don't think either of them is right. One is that I just want the baby I lost so long ago, and maybe this is true to some extent, the feeling of growing round and full with life, yes, I understand, and the other that I can have something that will love me unconditionally. This was my mother, and I was nothing but a disappointment to her, and I could never have my child grown knowing that, so I disagree.
What I really want is to wrap my arms around my love and tell him that I am willing to sacrafice so many things, if only he would see this in me, instead of the selfish and immature person he sees in me. I'm not sure anymore what anyone really thinks of me, I'm not sure if anyone would come to my funeral, I'm not sure if anyone holds a torch for me like the countless ones I keep lit in my heart.
There are days like today where I think I could just slice into myself and watch the red swirl away into the bathtub, and if only I wasn't so preoccupied with the what comes next of it all in a world I will no longer be a part of... the courage, the quickness, the lack of recognition, the knowledge that I will never truly get what I want out of this life, constantly self-destructing, constantly creating chaos, constantly knowing inside I torture myself, no one is willing a predator to me.
The are no willing participants in this web, I catch everything knowingly before I kill it.