'04 In Retrospect Part One
Saint Louise Was Listening On
10:59 p.m. || 2004-12-29
OK. So Thank so for all your kind notes! And yes, Mr. Grey, if you notice I think only 4 of you left me anything. And I'm laughing at that. It's just perfect.
First of all I'm not sure if I'm ready to reflect on 2004. I find myself questioning more than I ever have at the end of the year, I'm lightly plagued with feelings of regret and remorse for a lot of things, and then there's the chance for hope and life with others. It's a strange brew indeed.
(I'm on the Q again. Oh Lord help us, here we go. And Brian, I'm happy you remember all these things about me anyone else would have forgotten long ago. That's why I still love you so dearly.)
My birthfather is coming out from Arizona after the 1st to spend a few days out here, which includes dinner with my birthmom and I at my house. They haven't seen eachother since they left me at the hospital so many, many years ago. I'm sure it's going to be weird for everyone. I find myself confused from time to time as I sort all of it out, you know, pining away for my family unit, and realizing all the could-have-beens that have always been buried deep inside me, since day 1. I think maybe this had a bigger play in all of my relationships, I'm sure Freud would have a field-day with all of the deep rooted wounds I carry from having the primal bond of parents and child severed. It's even stranger having the chance to rekindle those ties years later, a woman grown.
2004 was a year in which I yearned for some of the people that have moved on with their lives, feeling like dying at the thought of all the things I have left behind, all the people with whom things could never work, or might have worked in a different lifetime. It was also a year in which a couple people made me feel sexy again, and desirable again, and made me think perhaps I haven't gotten as tired as I might have otherwise believed.
I missed most of all my daughter this year, my beautiful and departed one of so long ago, whose face I see in every baby... every little girl who would be her age now (6 this past September for anyone playing Lisa-Chronology) every pregnant woman, every beaming and proud father with a tiny lady hoisted onto his shoulders.
Ok. I'm choked up. We'll have to continue this later.