Dying Inside
Saint Louise Was Listening On
1:15 a.m. || 2005-01-21
the house is so quiet i feel like typing is perverting the silence night provides.
i feel like throwing up. i think there's something wrong with me, i don't remember what it feels like to be healthy. i feel antsy. i feel like i could stretch out my limbs until they break out of my skin and leave me raw and new.
i feel like i've been sleeping for a long time. like maybe something huge is about to happen to me. i can't understand these feelings fully, i wish if there was a way for someone to let me in on what was about to happen, tell me the right way to procede to make sure i don't miss it, to make sure i don't fuck it up...
someone out there in cyber land is in love right now, and i wonder if his hidden heart remembers 18 year old me lying on my stomach, crying out for him. and yet....
and yet i'm happy for him, i really am, as if my heart could well over and share in the feeling, i remember him so fondly in my mind's eye, the man who taught a little girl version of me to be free.
where did she go, that me?
i have the biggest secret, and i've been carrying it around for weeks, silent on my lips, screaming in my heart, waiting to get out.
why can't i stop shaking?