monday morning
Saint Louise Was Listening On
12:51 p.m. || 2005-03-21
another monday. as long as i stay this busy, i don't mind all the things that make me sad and angry. i can forget about those things in a flurry of work, and things that make me feel more important than i am. or maybe i am. come to think of it, i have gotten many a phone call today since 9 am that have kept me awake and interacting with the world, and so i suppose in career circles, this holds true.
on the career front at least, at least there's that.
eric snapped at me this morning, like a fucker, over something idiotic, and it went and got me good and pissed off. so there's that. there's always that.
my mom is sick, and miserable, which sucks, because i really could use someone to talk to about a lot of things right now. i mean, it was great talking to nina last night for an hour or so, but i need someone here in the flesh to tell me it's ok that i'm going nuts, it's ok that people are angry with me for being me, it's ok that i have no idea what i'm doing with my life outside of my job right now. i mean that's really all i have, a job which is so fucking sad.
whatever.
i think it's time i made some decisions about a few things, and i think there are a lot of people out there who might agree with me on this. i think there are a few conversations i'm supposed to be having, and i have no idea how to start them. you know, who does i guess. i feel like saying "fuck this" to everybody. i feel like a lot of things. it's funny how the daylight can do that to a person. i don't feel nearly as weak when the sun is shining. people don't seem nearly as important when i'm moving in fast forward. and yet, when i close the doors and the sun goes down, this isn't true.
nothing is ever easy.
right now the sun is up, and i've been working away like a good drone. rush is on the radio and a hot bath awaits me, an interviewee awaits me, and maybe lunch with an old friend i haven't seen in at least 3 years or so.
"wind in my hair. shifting and lifting, mechanical music, adrenaline surge."