Stone Drunk Face Down on the Floor
Saint Louise Was Listening On
10:48 p.m. || 2004-02-05
"Call my name
here I come
addicted to nothing
watch me run.
You call.
I am ashamed to say it
Ugly girls know their fate
Anybody can get laid
You want a room with a fire escape
I want to tell you how much I hate this."
I ransacked the house for razor blades today.
There were none.
I was overwhelmed by that, and after cutting myself with a razor all last summer, I would hate to have to resort to a knife, no matter how sharp the blade is, you still get the tugging that I'm not keen on. I like a nice, clean line, a nice smooth cut, something that opens
bright
red
angry.
Whatever. There are many things to lose, and my life seems the least important one. Maybe I should think about how that says something.
I tremble even now.
Levi came over tonight. I had a dream that I had sex with Ansel last night. Rob Carroll and I talked for two hours today. My head is going to blow up.
Thinking about how even now I'm all alone, even with one person just leaving the house, one in it, and dozens connected via broadband to it. And here I am, the Queen of my Compost Pile, sitting in the shit i have wroght.
"Boys on my left side, Boys on my right side, Boys in the Middle....and you're not here."
Looking
but not seeing.
And if ever there was a way homeward I lost my bread crumbs long ago.
I walked ten thousand footprints into the dry and baked earth
sitting into the snow long after it went from brown to white and back again.
Somewhere in February New England goes from grey to greyer and when it's unbearable they celebrate Valentine's Day, in honor of the Saint I knew I never could be to all the men I've loved before.
Mothers hide your sons, it's high time I took a mate, wrap your skirt around your boy, and keep him indoors, keep him quiet, and maybe I won't notice.
Making the beast with two backs, making me die, and I bled just like you fucking said. Just like you fucking hate. Just like to to kill me piece by piece with your cock. Just like me to come back for pieces of what we once shared.
Queen of Geeks, Queen of Fags, Queen of Liars, Fakers, Posers, Losers, Lost Children that found their ways to pens.
Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I don't really believe I've come to this place. I don't know what keeps me here. And you can be as existential as you like with that. I meant it all the way from this time, this place, this moment, this life.
In this moment I can only wish that my birthmother only gave blowjobs.