I Would Rather
Saint Louise Was Listening On
3:21 a.m. || 2004-06-01
I don't even know if this entry will show up, but I just need to clear out my weary head before bedtime. I do understand the implications of my most recent entries, and I do understand the reprocussions of my actions and thoughts, but the sad and honest truth to my life is that these things no longer matter, and acts of desperation are what I am best suited to. Did I mention that I am the biggest joke of all God's sorry and miserable creations? And that in my pitiful capacity I have found no honor or pride in the warped mantle of duty I have grown to bear with stoic resignation? I am indeed blind to the wants and needs of others, either by choice or by ignorance, and I feel like my skin is wound too tight, stretched like old yarn over an even older loom. I forgot to say that when I wanted a child, I wanted his child, and I feel perhaps that was my greatest grievance. that I did not make of him an active participant when I bared open my heart, and I wronged us both in this as I wrong us both everyday in some small capacity. Perhaps I think sometimes that this is the greatest folly on my part, I never told him that it was a choice for me to stay here, and know that I would rather go barren than not be able to manifest what I feel for him into the skin of a perfect and new individual soul. I would rather live alone that part ways with the greatest love in my life, I would rather die. Death First.