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Saint Louise Was Listening On
11:47 p.m. || 2004-04-02
so i'm selfish. i guess i can understand that. i always have been. why change now?
why change at all really?
ansel was right yesterday.
even i don't understand how out of the entire circle of friends i'm still living.
he really was right.
i'm the one that's supposed to be dead against all odds.
and why change things, i mean, the odds have never been in my favor for anything else, so they really should be in my favor for this above all things.
there's 1 friend left here,
and i have almost made myself completely unavailable to him as well.
and really i guess if i had a pair like everyone THINKS i do, then hell... why care about things like drug interactions, right? why not just gamble away like i did when i was young... i mean i seemed so much braver then when i held life in such little regard... but then again i always thought i'd go with a little glory...
it's earlier than i thought, and yet later than i expected....
how come these things only manifest at night?
there's a fine line between things said in jest and the truth that lies inside them...
that moment of uncertainty we're back to again...
and really i have been selfish, and really i have been preoccupied, and really i haven't given much thought to anything as of late, just work hard, don't get fired, don't make the boss mad, don't drink and take painkillers, don't hydroplane bad enough to wreck the car, don't stop being medicated, it might make life all too real... and god help the realness of pain both in my head and outside of it...
selfish, what a joke to someone who can barely tolerate herself.